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Jes the mess

I am at peace. Am I at peace? What is peace? Can I have a piece?

The journey is ending, the journey is starting, life is bombarding.

From home to far to home.
Do I have a home?
Homeless, home full.
I am without and within, ommme

To explore the world, and realise I never left my own back yard,
Over the rainbow but always inside the mind of my own making.

A collection of word, a collection of thoughts, I am, connected by loose thread, don't pull the edge.
Fraying, laying in rest, not unraveling.

I am at peace with the mess,
I am the mess.
Admire the beautiful mess I have made. Jes the Mess. Just Jes.

2 years ago today

So google has that 'remeber this day' thing where they show you photos from this date on different years. Today I was shown a clooection of photos of worrill, loftis and baxster helping me repaint my bedroom after Jeremiah left. it was so odd to remeber how I gelt then. Oh my, life a million lifetimes ago. It was before nana dieing, pre christopher exsisting or the other men I have dated in the past since Jeremiah, pre me and worrill fighting, pre planning this round the world, much less going on this trip. Pre zac threatening me, pre mom having a stroke, pre katherine having Chloe. How can two years ago look almost unrecognizable? And how do I deal with knowing that in the next two years the world will likely be just as different? Life lived on quick sand.

Life, dont talk to me

Will the world please quite falling on my head right now?

Table 16 loan paper work
Concord post office broken window
Liberty rd HVAC fixed for sure?
602a paint shit they are supposed to.
Amos insurance wanted something
Set up HVAC payments on debt
My car inssurance this month, asap
Time warner cable payment and suspend service (6months)

I reallh hope the have good wifi in russia. Also, how have I traveled so far without out running my problems? Fuck off real world.

My apartment. So very me.

It is not perfect or anything but my apartment since coming home has felt very much like a home. I spent a good part of my frist week back cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, putting away mess and unpacking boxes. There was so much chaos in the last few weeks before leaving in January and that mess was all waiting for me when I got home. But now it is mostly livable and what is on display is my stuff. The things I love to see, that mean something to me, that make me happy. And in the context of traveling for the last three month my apartment seems so luxurious, beautiful, comfortable, and personal. I mean, I loved it before I left but it feels so natural now. Yay for the first home I have ever had on my own, the first home I have ever gotten to decorate, for having all my tressures in one place and unpacked so I can enjoy them. Also, I'm grautful to have so much of nana's furniture, the stove and other objects making me feel connected to our past. It doesnt feel like my apartment was furnished in her stuff, but that her stuff is part of mine now. Any way, very cool adult feelings. I leave again soon to travel, taking only a back pack, but it will be nice knowing this is waiting for me here.

Life doesnt move when you arent looking

Apartment was just how I left it. All the messes and trash was on the floor from the packing caos. Fire places still full of ashes from the winter, clothes left in the dryer, clean dishes waiting on the counter, boxes everywhere. Studio boxes, nana boxes, christmas boxes. Hardly any room to walk. In the first 3 days I have done some cleaning. I de-christophered. Through out his tooth brush and tooth paste, some of his work clothes that were left, anything that said UPS on it, cleaned out his night stand. I got the internet hooked up anf office compter back up stairs, found mostly of the floor in the studio, did 3 loads of laundry and put up so many clothes, made two good will boxes of clothes and one of electronics. There is still more to get ride off. Found the kitchen counters again. Pluged in the fridge, need to get some food now. Got the car to start after having been sitting for so long. Have unpacked from my trip thoigh I'm a little unsure where to put things. The bags needs some serious washing. Have clean sheets on my bed. The apartment is almost liveable but there is still a long way to go.

I suck at being alone and I dont like it.

First leg of my year

This year long 7 continants in 12 months trip is divided into two parts. The first 3 months, a month at home, and then the last 9 months. (I know that make 13, but 12 month traveling). Any way, first 3 months is over. I have been to North American, Central America, South America  and Africa. Now home to tackly Taxes, insurance, accounting, property management, home mantanace, visit family, repack, and get ready to leave again. The next 9 month will include Europe, Russia, Asia, Europe again, South America, Antartica, and Australia. I'm running out of money. That is a bit worrying.

What do you call your hair cut?

A tall red headed boy at biscutville just interupted my breakfast to comment on my hair style. It made me smile.

I had a dreams last night was all him breaking up with me again and then my thoights this morning in the shower were all the hateful things I would like to say about him to the new girl. It is all crap I dont want in my head but I havent found the off switch yet.

Wish we were in europe. I dont have any love avalible for mexico.

Excerpts from email to worrill

After the love burn drop off me and Maile enjoyed our week of Disney. We ruthlessly cataloged and checked off every ride at every park. We walked till our feet hurt every day, averaging over 16,000 steps a day. The food was super expensive but we managed to eat on our love burn snacks for many meals and only splashed out big 3 times. Once was a 3 course dinner in Belle's Castle where the waiters all called us 'princess' or 'your highness.' Don't ask how much it cost.

From Disney we rented a car and I drove us to Saint Petersburg, Florida late at night. The crappy murder motel we had booked had lost our reservation and had no rooms so we were forced to stay at a much nicer hotel around the corner and got a lovely night's sleep.

The next day we enjoyed hotel breakfast of a very high standard and checked out. The hotel was near our goal of the Dali museum and we got there right as they opened the doors. Amazing paintings were seen. Dali has so much talent and no fear in his works. The collection span his whole career.

While at the museum I got a call from Christopher who was at my house feeding smokie and getting in my mail and such. He has been really there for me in terms of fixing problems I have left and cleaning up my mess. We staying in touch via text message. But it was amazing to talk to him while he was at my house and get to ask him about the cat, the house, the mail, the new tenants (I have tenants!), the horse guy, etc. It help put my mind at rest since Maile and I were leaving the country that day and I had been having this growing sense of dread about everything I had left undone. There is still tons undone but the cat will live and the house won't burn down.

The Christopher thing is a bit of a thing. Don't really know where I stand with the whole being lied to and rejected bit but he is working so hard at the friendship side and to rebuild my trust that I find myself lacking much I'll will. Instead I'm just so grateful for his epic amounts of help.

Traveling in general and specifically for this long of a time is always a bit of a mix of emotions. Along with the joy of new experiences come the pain of separation from my loved ones and the things that make me happy. Then there is the guilt of knowing my time, money, and resources are not going into building my home life but into this traveling I'm doing. This trip being both so long and so expensive and with what feels like a ton of responsibility left abandoned behind me is very much the proof of that rule. I feel anxious about being gone and what that means. But I am balance it with lots of fun. As time goes on I feel more at peace with it too. Every day that I'm traveling is a day closer to May when I can come home and put out fires and catch up to be better prepared for the next leg of my journey.

So after the museum the cruise ship was our next transition. We are on The Norwegian Star Cruise ship. It hold about 2,300 guests and another 1,000 in crew. The ship is large though not as large as the transatlantic we are taking in the fall. The food is ok, the organized fun is lame. But the views and the relaxation is pretty ace. We can have all the food and alcohol we can handle and so far we have taken that challenge head on. Our only move towards good health choices is that we have a 'no elevators ever' pack. Since the activities and food is spread out over many decks we get in about 10 flights of stairs every time we do anything. So even on the ship we are getting in a lot of steps.

We have another 3 days on this ship before getting off in Mexico. Today was Honduras and tomorrow is Belize.